All Out Of Love
by Elisabeth Cook
Summary: Short mood piece from Mac's POV. She reflects on the mistakes she made when she let Harm leave.


Untitled Document

Title - All Out Of Love   
Author - Elisabeth Cook  
E-Mail address - [allegretto@gmx.net][1]   
Rating - PG   
Classification - R [Harm/Mac]   
Spoilers - How should I know? I read the spoilers and I have yet to watch all of season 4. Goodbyes I guess...   
Summary - Short mood piece from Mac's POV. She reflects on the mistakes she made when she let Harm leave.  
First Posted - August 1999

Disclaimer - Yadda, yadda, yadda... do you really think I would be writing fanfic if I owned any of this?

Author's Notes - I was listening to some of my old CDs and suddenly this story demanded to be written. The lyrics are from "All Out Of Love" by Air Supply.

All Out Of Love

_  
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone,   
Thinking of you till it hurts.   
  
I know you hurt too, but what else can we do?   
Tormented and torn apart...   
  
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart,   
At times when my life seems so low.   
  
You would make me believe what tomorrow could bring,   
When today doesn't really know...   
  
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day.   
  
I reaching for you, are you feeling it too?   
Doesn't the feeling seem oh so right?   
  
I want you to come back and carry me home.   
  
And what would you say if I called on you now?   
Said that I can't hold on...   
All out of love,   
I'm so lost without you.   
I know you were right,   
Believing for so long._

You promised to call sometime this week. That was yesterday. The day before yesterday actually, I spent the better part of this night lying awake, staring at the phone on my nightstand, willing it to ring. But it didn't, I missed a good night's sleep for nothing. I knew you wouldn't call again so soon, but I wanted to believe that you would. 

I don't even know what time it is where you are, you didn't tell me last time we talked on the phone. We didn't talk much anyway. It's been almost four weeks and you're still mad at me for being so rude to you that night. That night after you left JAG, your last night in Virginia. Our last night together. 

We spent so many nights together, working late on one of our cases, enjoying each other's company. This night had been different. I had invited you over to my apartment, one last dinner together before you left. No vegetarian pizza this time, no Beltway burgers. I had decorated the table with candles, matching the color of the roses you brought me that night. It had been more than just a coincidence, it had been fate. I had believed it was meant to be. But I guess it wasn't. 

Because I showed you the door the moment you bent over to kiss me. Because I turned away before our lips even had a chance to touch. You had left without another word, believing that I had set you up. But I hadn't. I just couldn't bear loosing you, loosing my best friend. I didn't want to loose my lover as well, a lover I would never be able to get to know. 

You had been hurt. You had thought I turned you down - again. I can't blame you. I can finally understand how you felt that afternoon in front of the headquarters. I thought my heart had been twisting in agony that day, but I now know that being left behind is a thousand times worse than going away. 

You hadn't seen the tears trickling down my face after you left. You hadn't heard my sobbing, sitting slumped against the door for at least an hour. I yelled at you because I hadn't wanted you to see my true feelings. I didn't want you to come back and find out that I wanted to kiss you more than anything in my life, to reveal the feelings I had buried deep inside of me for years. So much to be gained, only to be lost again the next day. 

I hadn't expected you to call at all. But you had. One night I picked up the phone and it had been you, telling me that you'd gotten settled in all right, promised to call again soon and then hung up before I could say another word. It was then that I knew you still believed. 

After all I had done, after letting you down, after kicking you out, you still believed in us. You hadn't given up hoping that we could still make it work. Despite of all the differences we've had. You still believed in the special connection between us, the love that would never die, even though I had never given you any sign that I returned those feelings. 

I had been wrong to push you away, I realize that now. You had left and chosen not to return, not because it was everything you ever wanted, but because I had given you no reason to change your mind. When I left, I had prayed that you would stand up and tell me not to go, that you would give me something to hold onto and turn back. But you hadn't. You had thought it was in my best interest to let me go. You didn't know. 

This time it's different. I know how you feel, I should've stood up to my feelings and held you close, not letting go until you promised to return. I hope it's not too late to change that now. I don't know why you had to leave first before I realized what you really meant to me. I never realized how much you had become a part of my life until you stepped out of it again. Maybe this was meant to be, too. When I listened to your voice that night on the phone, it struck me how much I missed to hear you talk. Your voice had been disrupted by static, but I had savored every moment of that conversation, clinging to every single word you had said. 

I didn't realize how different things were in the office until I started trying to envision your smile every time I was stuck, every time I was feeling down. I wish I had a picture of you, but I have given us no reason to own a keepsake like that. I hope it's not too late to change this. Your flyboy grin will forever be part of my memories, giving me something to cling onto when I'm down in the dumps, but it's just not the same. 

I don't just want the memories, although they will never fade, I am sure of that. I want you to return to me, step back into my life, take me into your arms and hold me close, because that's where I belong. 

I don't even know where you are, but I hope you can feel me reaching out for you. I am willing this phone to ring so I can pick up the receiver and tell you how much I love you. My life has already taken so many wrong turns, just give me this one opportunity to admit that I was wrong. Give me this one chance to make things right. 

Another 54 minutes until I have to get up. Harm, why aren't you calling? I know you weren't going to call tonight, but please do. You never thought twice about waking me up in the middle of the night before. Just dial my number and give me the chance to tell you I was wrong. I don't know if I can make it through another day like this. Walking by the door to your office countless times, my heart breaking more each time I pass by. 

Last night I started believing again, realizing I never should've stopped. Let me prove to you that you've been right all along. 

Tears begin to trickle down my cheeks when I pick up the receiver, listening to your voice. For the first time in an eternity, I know what tomorrow will bring again... 

_  
All out of love,   
I'm so lost without you.   
I know you were right,   
Believing for so long.   
  
All out of love,   
What am I without you?   
It can't be too late,   
I know I was so wrong.   
  
All out of love,   
What am I without you?   
It can't be too late,   
To say that I was so wrong. _

_~ finis ~_

   [1]: mailto:allegretto@gmx.net



End file.
